The Hole Truth
A donut, a card game, and one man’s quest to seem chill about both.
May 25th, 2025
Ormond Beach, Florida
I walked 2.5 miles along the beach to eat a donut. Next to not eating the donut at all, my method is probably the healthiest way to eat a donut.
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Daytona Climbing Company. Playing Beta Break and Josh, an employee, approaches me and asks how I like the game. He has no idea that I invented the game. So I must make a decision: should I play the role of an audience plant, there to sell the illusion at the expense of audience trust? Or should I reveal my true self at the risk of forcing poor Josh to account for my feelings during the impending awkward exchange where he feels obligated to engage in praise for this stranger’s baby, no matter how ugly he may believe it to be.
I go with the audience plant. It was better for both of us.
“I love it,” I say before realizing that I've ignored a possible third scenario wherein Josh knows my true identity and wants simply to chat. After all, I've plastered my face on just about all the Internet places that'll have me. If you’re of the minority who’s heard of Beta Break, it’s likely because of the many videos I’ve posted online, most of which feature my big, dumb face.
So, I ask, “have you heard of it?”
“Yeah,” he says. “I like it a lot. My brother got it for me. I play it all the time. I usually bring it with me during every shift.”
I tell him, “I'm glad to hear that, because I'm the guy who made it.” I’ve blown his mind. My ego couldn't be higher. Best vacation ever.
But then what? Following our exchange, he returns to work, but I find myself stage-acting smiles and laughs, knowing I now have an audience. Beta Break is a blast, sure—but there's a reason toy commercials only last 30 seconds. Even the sincerest grin has a half-life. Surely Shigeru Miyamoto has, at least once, uttered the word “Mario” with contempt.
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I ate another donut the next day. It’s good to know that my moment of fame didn’t change me.
